i had a wild dream last night where i was wandering through some underground aquarium and there were these massive sea turtles and a man-eating i can't remember what, but at one point i was running for my life. i don't remember how i got there or what sequence of dream events led to my stumbling upon it, but this maritime menagerie probably can be traced back to a web article i was perusing about an hour before bed:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/01/photogalleries/frilled-shark/index.html

that was a prehistoric shark found gainfully alive by japanese fishermen. it was spotted and caught fully alive but died hours afterwards due to undisclosed reasons, but it's likely that it was not well by virtue of its even being found swimming up in shallow waters.

i can't remember what led up to that bizarreness so i guess all that's well within the context of no context. i wish i could though, remember it i mean, but i do know that there were some events i think afterwards where i saw my buddies m.c. and k.n. and we were taking turns riding a one-seater bullet-shaped rocket into the troposphere. it was ruby red.

also for some strange reason, k.n.'s head was shaved bald. no clue what that means.

a few fragments from other dreams, some several weeks old, came back to me today. there was one where i'm attending some high school function and i'm back in high school with old high school classmates, but we appear to be post-grads in some crash course / refresher workshop. i saw what i think was my old calc book but i'm not positive. z.z. was there--not taking notes--and i was there feeling overwhelmed with all the old material that i had long-forgotten. my old calc/precalc/geom/ teach was there and i felt an acute apprehensive fear of revealing to her that very knowledge that i did in fact no longer remember anything she had taught me, that i had somehow failed her and that i'm an idiot who had let her down, that her suspicion (which i can read on her face) is actually generously warranted, and shame on her for being so nice and for giving me A's (way back when).

there was another dream, not so interesting, where for some reason a friend of my sister's must live with our family because he's got no place to stay, so he does and all the while my family--especially the moms--is always complimenting him and comparing the two of us, and downplaying my handiness around the house, persistently repeating this pattern of praise for him and then a not unrelated sneerful comment for me, which rotates and veers me 180 to even less gracious behavior, less courteous and complaisant, hospitable, less obliging, so that the disparaging criticism towards me becomes even more vitriolic and the house gets filthier and filthier with the crap i refuse to clean.

well i'm off now to clean my room as promised. yesterday i threw out a bunch of old notes and homework assignments that triggered a bunch of old memories, some good and some sad.

mood: sad tags: dreams

still missing the good old days when things were carefree and i had both the time and inclination to stop and smell the flowers (in my case the flowers were not actual flowers but early morning cartoons like freakazoid, animaniacs, and pinky and the brain). sigh. those were the days.

well anyway i actually had some dreams lately, and i should also say finally, since it's been ages since i remember having had a dream at night. i think i'm on a roll because i've had 3, maybe 4 days consecutive of these intense dreams. the last time this happened was before my last year at uni about 1 year ago, where i had like 20 some days straight. that period was truly a time of lavish dreams. i think we need to replace the aging saying of "sweet dreams" with that: lavish dreams. i'm not sure what spurred this latest run of lavish dreams but i hope it never stops. i wish i could pinpoint what's responsible for the lalaland brain painting every night but god knows that's pretty difficult. i have started taking fish oil pills again so maybe that's it? but if it is, then what's for sure is it had nothing to do with my earlier 20 day run. blah.

the hard part now though is trying to put them into words. i've already forgotten most of them now but let's see...last night there was one where i was back with my track team buddies and we were about to take off on like a farewell run, or a just for old time's sake run, and we're all waiting outside in our sweats and running gear about to take off when i realize i've forgotten something important behind inside--there is a hotel or motel-like building that we were all gathered around--so i run inside and just take forever to come back out. i'm no dream analysis expert, but if i were to take a stab at it, i'd say this has something to do with my habitual procrastination and last-minute crunch sessions where i invariably end up making people wait up for me and where this habitual tardiness also invariably leads to impatient fidgeting and a whole lot of pissed off people. also, there might be some of my reluctance to truly grow up (i've always been fond of the "i'm a toys-r-us kid" commercial) buried deep in there somewhere, which is without a doubt responsible for the bulk of my passive-aggressive behavior toward growing up milestones like getting a car, getting an apartment, getting my driver's license even, using hair gel, etc. i guess even my subconscious is sick of my lack of maturity.

mood: contemplative tags: dreams

this was from this morning, a few hours ago, before MY INTERNET died on me:

my ipod appears to have died on me. it's not really dead yet, but it's in a vegetable state that won't respond to button presses or the plugging/unplugging of its power adapter. the screen won't power off either, so it's just a matter of time now before it's a goner, now that i've decided to pull the plug. sheeeit fuck. the daily commute is going to be hell now. it was already hellish.

i'm always getting asked about my work and never really know what to say about it. i guess it would be a good idea to organize my thoughts right here so i have a more coherent response for them when it comes up so here goes:

never mind this is kind of boring. maybe i'll try next time i start something new.

anyway, i've decided to try making that computer game i've been wanting to make again. i'm really hoping i get the ball rolling this time because if i can't get that ship upright right now with the way i have my life structured, i'm not sure i ever will. not much will be changing in my life for the next 40-some years...go to work, pay for things so i can go to work, go to work...until i retire that's what i have to work around if i want to get this thing done. sucks.

yesterday we had a large gathering (lucky 13) at the local pizza joint where we saw all old hs / jr. hs buddies. it was great seeing some of those guys again and god knows when the next time will be. z.z. is up in ny permanently these days and flies back to see his mom and pop less and less frequently. i wish we had more time to catch up, but them's the brakes. who knows i may never see him again. i'm the worst at keeping in touch with people. such a recluse lately. i wish things had worked out differently. there were just so many people i didn't really get the chance to chat. i suck at chat when the # of chatters > 4. and < 3. ha. i've been rather self-effacing lately. i could just disappear. z.z. is doing some real cool work in feature films and arts and crafts. i'm bored out of my mind staring at .net code. z.k. teaches eng in jp. am i the only one not living out my dreams or making an attempt to? you just can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway... in the words of one of charles dickens' characters: life's a muddle. i'll never forget hard times.

mood: melancholy

cozened. duped. finagled. plenty mendacious. solecisms by the handful. sequel to aquaman. it's not a hard putt, but you wonder how a guy can just keep making these. but boy do the fans love it. ecumenically speaking. like whitman samplers, they skip around, pick and choose. work has been inconducive to my dream life. the underarmour doesn't fit. get down to the core. my room won't clean itself. wave goodbye now.

mood: disappointed

sometimes my father, smart as he is, can be a real dumbass. he got pissed off because i asked what ingredients were in the quinoa. the quinoa was different this time because it was not pickled. i was curious. what could be in it this time? is that such a bitch of a question? is it so unreasonable to ask? he threatened to kill me after i threw a rolled up ball made of napkin at his head. he used to always tell me not to be afraid to ask questions, cuz that's how we learn. contradictful bastard.

anyway, work is getting to be a chore. lots of repetitive, monotonous work...i can barely keep my eyes open after lunch. i'm beginning to receive more responsibilities however, not because they trust me but because they're so buried in work themselves they're hoping someone else, the new guy, can take up a bigger part of the load.

"why not give it to the new guy?"
"yeah, good idea!"
"okedoke!"

anyhow, i'm reading this book, tuesdays with morrie, that "runaway bestseller that changed millions of lives". i'm beginning to wonder if i can live with the fact that this is probably all i have and will have time for in my life--go to work, come home, time to go to bed--thirty-something years from now. i thought i'd better figure out what i'll probably be thinking at that time. did i spend my time on earth wisely? did i live a fulfilling life? i'll probably be more than ready for retirement by then. morrie was on his deathbed with als, true story. he knew how to live life better than anyone.

i have a job. that phone interview led to a series of interviews, which led to a lot of sweat and suffering, which led to a job offer which i accepted. i'm just relieved i won't be shunted through another six hour face-to-face interview process in the foreseeable future. anyhow, i've already "worked" a week at the office, and things are real sllloooowwww. it was fourth of july week, so many people were on leave, and i had the 4-man cubicle to myself. next week should be very different since the guy who tells me what to do, not because he's my boss (because technically he isn't) but because he's more keen on what's going on than the real head cheeses around there, will be back. i won't get to spend my whole day reading about things that i might be utilizing in the upcoming weeks anymore. oh well, half the time i spend wishing i could be doing other things anyway. u know, more fun things that i know i can't really do because i'd look like a feckless waste of salary.

one thing i hate more than anything else right now is how all that time feels wasted. i spend so much time wishing my day away because i can't wait to go home and rip off my business casual vesture. before i know it, i'll be a tired, old man with a puckered old ass. if that keeps up. how can i find a way to enjoy right now?

location: saturday at 2:22 pm tags: working stiff

my old bud has turned into the "krab" again. in fact, he's been that way since i first got back here, the first time i saw him again on the shabby b-ball courts of js elementary. it's very unsettling because when he's the "krab" his voice is a low, affectless drone and everything he says comes off as a nasty remark or a cheap bitter putdown, depending on the circumstances of his rejoinder. he usually delivers an obscene cheapshot when he's trying to make a joke, and none of his jokes are very funny when he's in "krab" mode, probably partly to do with his low, affectless, somewhat whiny delivery. on memorial day he threw us a barbecue, which was a nice gesture most definitely, but he was quite short-tempered and irritable the whole time and not at all his more delightful self, which i really haven't seen in a while, except for briefly during fishing and an old round of goldeneye 64. i'm not sure what it is, and i haven't had the nerve to ask him. i have a few ideas about what this could be about, but if either were true, then one of those things has really had a large effect on his entire outlook. back in april he was really talking up this self-help book a dude of his recommended him, it was all about perspective. the way he's been acting recently, it seems he's already forgotten that book's teachings.

anyway, dreams have been hard to remember lately. i wonder if they'll ever be as strong as last summer when i was able to recall at least one dreamy event each night.

also, i have a darn phone interview today. i just know i'm going to screw it up.

location: oven, usa (boy it is hot today) music: Blind Melon - No Rain

it's over now, i've probably seen the campus for the very last time in possibly a very great while. life is now a whole different kettle of fish. "no more pencils, no more books." i can't believe the rest of my life is beginning, and that the hurdles are only those i set for myself. it's scary to think about, the choices i'll need to be making soon. i could totally set myself up for disaster.

dreams have been weak lately. i had one dream which survived rise-and-shine amnesia, but it was very brief and school-related. walking to class, yada, yada yada...

Always remember: that 'acceptance' is usually more a matter of fatigue than anything else.

location: back home

SHE'S REALLY PARTICULAR ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE LATE.

i didn't finish that paper, i just couldn't think, i couldn't get my brain to work after so more hours of painful activity (i've had a bad week). It was supposed to be 5 pages, i turned in four pages. I had one line of text on my fifth page and that was my whole conclusion. of course that is inadequate for a conclusion, but it was due at 1 am through this internet submission script and if i didn't submit it incomplete, i don't think it would've allowed me to submit at all.